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    Sunday, September 28, 2008

    I feel so accomplished.
    I am sleep deprived
    its rediculous
    I stay up much too late for the sake of great convorsation
    but that's just me

    its so odd to realize that son of the people you once idealized in your mind when you were young are actually not what you thought they were now that you are looking at them from an adultish point of view
    not that I am a adult because i know I am not
    I am still so much a child in the way I still view the world in terms of fair
    instead of right and wrong... Well for the most part.
    these walls are so loosely cemented that I can hear every word seeping through them
    the fair words
    the right words
    the went words

    Truth of Me

    Please pick me I'm a terrible mess,
    You know I just can't help it and I just gotta confess
    You do what you do and I can't ever rest

    So still I'm gonna do everything,
    I'm gonna make it right,
    I'm gonna make it good,
    I'm gonna do it alright,
    I'm gonna write it down,
    I'm gonna make a sound... yeah

    'Cus I'm doing everything for you
    because I love to be near to you,
    Something just takes me away to a place where I'm happy
    I'm doing everything for you
    Yeah you know that I adore you
    And I just can't take it anymore

    Saturday, September 27, 2008

    all i have

    tears slide
    down cheeks
    defying gravity and slide along your chin
    down your neck where you're still shivering from the remnants
    they pool in the space between your collarbones and shoulders
    on the warm skin
    leaving your lashes sticky
    red eyes
    sore in the morning
    all because of...
    i cant quite put my finger on it.
    its on the tip of salty tasting tongue.
    im papery and worn.
    and done with thinking for tonight
    shut off my brain
    putting up road blocks
    chains and electric fences
    around these thoughts
    to say
    stay away

    my heart is open and willing, so take it

    Friday, September 26, 2008

    So Far From Home- Classic Crime

    All I have is words
    To which I’m a slave
    I scribble them down
    Hoping to save me
    But I’m lost
    I’m so lost

    These pages will burn
    And I’ll pass away
    Yesterday’s gone
    And I just can’t shake
    The fact that I’m lost
    I’m so lost

    But now we are so far from home
    Far from home

    Wednesday, September 24, 2008


    how i feel most days.
    in this exact voice.
    Ooher peterick

    Tuesday, September 23, 2008

    its up, its out. a blessing in disguise

    you're no better than the way i left you/ these words are filling me up until you can see them in my eyes/ pouring out like tears, or maybe I'm just full of shit- the exact way you are treating me/ my history? no, yours is a sordid past/ shut your mouth, i get it from you/ when it rains ti purs and I'm stuck outside with no colorful umbrella with all of these other overcast kids/ no wonder were all so alike. we all fall for train wrecks with crooked smiles/ I'm only holding onto what I've got, and not what i let go/ Ive lots sleep and secrets but i wont loose you/ get on your knees and make them bleed before you come crawling back to beg for apologies/ you make me sick, don't hide your smile/ but reveal your shade to me, show the world both of your faces/ i hope you writhe in pain like i did against the words you said/ i hope those teeth that bite underneath come back and bite you after you unleashed your words

    - anger at its best- May 5th 2008

    From the passengers seat

    We'll you've got her in your passengers seat and me in the back of your mind
    sit down and shut up, top your complaining
    you've got a pill to keep you happy and all i have is you.
    i am an expert at forgetting people
    but no matter how hard i try, i can't get you off my mind
    maybe subconsciously i don't want to
    i've had my heart broken many times by you
    but yet you've never done it
    i hold you in such high regards
    i wish you could hold yourself in the same light

    ---this is sooo old. as in '07 old.

    Holding out for a hero with wings

    I'm walking down a pitch black hall
    feeling my way home
    it's the way i've chosen to go, through the dark
    its because i live in my head,
    i fell short of seeing the truth
    tonight we all retreat into our separate entities
    light seeping through closed doors-
    press your ear against the wall and try to decipher secrets on the other side
    your brilliant beauties make me want to write myself into a corner with no way out-
    in ink- so i won't forget it
    i envy your clandestine lifestyle
    i want to be you, with my same dreadfully poetic thoughts
    ill trade your broken eardrums for shattered glass on the high way
    and sunken eyes for a worn out pen
    id trade that gleam in your eye for the spark of revenge in mine
    it kills me to see you there
    you should be mine just like i had dreamed
    you see she is perfection-
    i am seeing stars and black holes in my vision from holding my breath for you.
    i should've learned the first time
    - The First Real Boy
    Winter '07/'08

    I'll turn the clock...

    time never loved us
    nor did it ever allow is
    a minute behind, or an hour too fast.
    it was never distance separating us
    but our lack of talent and luck of timelines
    i'm so sorry a minute makes me miss you
    and i'm sorry you never did
    you took my picture off the shelf
    and hid me in a drawer
    because you couldn't stand my face smiling at you anymore
    but thats ok because i wont waste my ink and paper on you anymore
    good to know that when the clock struck 12 and all the numbers in the world changed, i was the 2nd person you called-for a connection to someone else
    the underlying pulse of your intentions makes me feel reassured
    pulse to heart to beat to rhythem to the music in my head to notes to words to the ones i said to you to the ones you threw back at me that made my heart skip a beat to stop the pulse
    -Dec. '07

    "You're a Nemo!"

    "You're a Nemo!"
    ...a what dad?
    what do you call those sad kids? emo?
    yes. you are one.

    ...thanks dad.

    New Hair!


    Monday, September 22, 2008

    I Know A Fittie When I See One...

    you can't have your motherfucking cake and eat it too.

    loyalty is a moral i take very seriously.
    i wont give it up.
    not on you, not on me, not on them.
    i love you.
    you know it.
    now understand it.

    i love the movie angus thongs and perfect snogging.
    and the books.
    oooh robbie sure is a fittie.
    mm mm
    and dave the laugh
    and tom
    ugh. british boys
    ive for gotten the lingo of britian-a-go-go land.
    i cannot wait for the next Georgia book to come out.
    what is to become of masimo and dave?!
    and will wet lindsay ever get her dim naff bottom out of Gi's life?
    hm. at least she still acts like a looney thing on looney tablets.
    buti often find myself in the same place as her:
    a) in the cake shop of love with no cakes
    b) in the cake shop of love with 2+ cakes
    oh georgia im so glad we can see eye to eye.

    for now my chummyly chumlets, i leave you with confusinosity of my lingo.

    of course you will get this if you have read the books.
    im such a cheeky monkey.

    Saturday, September 20, 2008

    I'm Sorry.

    i don't fucking miss you.

    so stop. if you really cared you would have never treated me that way in the first place

    "you think you're laughing last, but you can't laugh last when i slit your throat with the knife you left in my back"

    "so i'll forget you and cut you out of all the pictures"

    "when she speaks it makes me grind my teeth shallow is as shallow does, some people never change. you're as fake as the moans you make"

    do you honestly believe i could ever, ever forget those things you said to me?...
    dont start with me about pain.
    i was too quick to apologize and admit i was wrong, when we both know now that i never was you. you said it yourself.

    A Queen Bee knows how to control everything around her
    including the people
    and the relationships between them
    she lies and cheats to get her way
    and who she wants
    ...look where it got us.
    broken and shattered.
    like the mirror she so desperately clung to after collapsing to the floor when she realized
    that her built up emipre was built of ice.
    just like her insides.
    and it melted away.
    and left her cold.
    and alone.

    If you want to spend your nights cuddling, by a puppy.

    reading this brings me back to center.
    about what i deserve.
    and what every girl deserves.

    Girls. Learn this.
    "The thing about women is, you never have to be granted power, you just take it"
    And about the boys you want:
    make a list of all the reasons why you are worthy to get him- and fully convince yourself of it. Look at the other girls who have found their perfect guys, and realize you can have it too. don't discount yourself.
    i know i know, it gets so frustrating having no one!
    but i promise, patience is redemptive.
    And keep your faith of finding him. faith determines your destiny.
    make sure your faith in love always remains stronger than your mood.
    never compromise your dreams.
    never settle. i learned this over a bag of M&Ms... odd i know.
    but if you settle for a 5 guy, instead of 10. it'll result in a 5 life right? and not the ten you want.
    but i think that in order to get this...ya kinda have to let go of who has hurt you.
    blah blah blah... what if i get hurt?!
    so what, let go if its an unsatisfying relationship. stop looking at what happens if you let go and understand that you can only be better if you let that anchor weighing you down go.
    "but what if i miss him afterwards? what if he misses me?"
    make him miss you. he should miss you. because you are an incredible person. understand this. because the day he looks in your eyes and tells you he doesn't want you anymore, it was his fault he ever let you go.
    and back to him missing you: step back for a while, stop trying. see what happens if you stop vying for his attention.
    "Cut him off, let him miss you"
    because you deserve to be missed. you deserve the world. you deserve someone who will meet you half way. you deserve someone thinking about you every second of the day.

    if after my self-help rant i have left you with nothing but rolling your eyes at me saying "she's just saying this because she has no one"... understand one thing. You deserve your prince charming- ideal- perfect whoever. So don't you forget that. because you're amazing. incredible. wonderful. and you deserve the same.

    Its the little things.

    I heard the old man say we need the rain
    And I can feel it in my bones they're aching
    I watched the sky and wait and wish these waters ease my pain
    Because my will is breaking

    If you'd get next to me and help me find simplicity
    Then you could be the one to take me, to break me
    And flood my soul

    Could you be the one to release me? (oh release me)
    Waiting for your love
    Oh to free me, so release me

    Grey clouds, they infiltrate as every move you make
    Gets me closer to clarity
    While droplet drummers lead a complex beat increasing speed
    Somehow accompanies our intensities

    At first this cloud burst is pulling us under
    Lightning and thunder
    Rain falls and you take me under
    And flood my soul

    Could you be the one to release me? (oh release me)
    Waiting for your love
    Oh to free me, so release me

    So take off your shoes and stay a while
    This might be the right time tonight
    If it makes you feel good
    Then it makes me feel alright

    We should take down the curtains now
    and make blankets here on the floor
    The torrential downpour, the potential for more
    A cease to fight this tension that ignites us here in the dark
    'Cause tension causes friction and this friction leaves two sparks
    The rain has filled this cup and before it overflows
    I wanna take you in now
    Here it goes

    -Mae, Release Me

    i think, there for i am.

    its the way your hips point down.

    tired for the sake of the elated conversations shared between angels and kings

    Thursday, September 18, 2008

    I'm Alive.

    I'm alive when I’m missing you

    I'm heading out for the lone star state and flying over Santa Fe
    I'm looking out at a mountain range
    I brace myself for the life I made

    We're too young at heart
    Hoping for one more day

    This airport terminal can't see
    Everything you mean to me

    I'm alive when I'm missing you
    I'm alive but too far
    I'm alive when I'm missing you
    I'm alive but too far from your room

    I remember not sleeping
    Hold on tight
    Come with me
    I left my heart on your bed sheets not knowing
    What it means to be here, on a plane leaving you

    This airport terminal can't see
    Everywhere I wish you'd be

    I'm alive when I'm missing you
    I'm alive but too far
    I'm alive when I'm missing you
    I'm alive but too far from your room

    Girl you can't make me stay
    I'm saying what I have to say
    Know you were just a phase
    A piece of who I am today
    Just another checkmark on my list of things that I regret
    You're another checkmark on my list of things that I regret

    I'm alive when I'm missing you
    I'm alive but not missing you
    I'm alive and I sleep fine
    I'm alive but not missing you
    I'm alive and I sleep fine in my own room

    Wednesday, September 17, 2008

    I know Your Sleeping All Alone

    and you're dying to get out.

    c'mon i dont know how you cant love these.
    they make music sound magic yay yay
    half day.
    what what?!
    stress doesnt ever go away, its impossble to escape.
    At least i see right through some issues.
    they dont matter.
    you all do though.
    they dont.
    i hope you're holding on
    because were all made of glass
    just made to shatter
    you just dont realize it
    ive got a terminal disease. its called birth
    everyone makes great decisions on their death bed
    but where the hell were you when you were alive??

    Tuesday, September 16, 2008

    colors or black and white?

    the world together as one
    in one place
    reminds me
    of us

    an amazing talk with someone who means the world to me.
    thank you, you're the reason i'm still alive
    the ones i hang on to.
    For life.
    i know we aren't going anywhere
    i love you so much
    you are what i stand on
    who made me who i am
    i can't even begin to describe
    but you are my rock, my base upon which i stand
    when i thought i was going to lose the world
    you were all i had
    so thank you for never backing down
    our hearts beat in sync
    its all i cant ask for

    Monday, September 15, 2008

    Straight Up Hustler.

    She gets what she wants and she breaks what she gets,
    get out while you can or she'll tear you to pieces

    the rain and dark bring my best words
    hm. not sure what it is
    im addicted to tumblr.
    i love you, i wish you knew.

    i dont think i have ever resisted anyone as much as you.
    -you with those stars in your eyes.
    dont blink
    i dont want to lose them

    i miss this sometimes, the way it felt.
    im happier now.
    but i get nostalgic for disaster

    only holding my breath.

    i made a tumblr.
    these two things will not be the same.
    and i will not abandon one or or the other.
    just felt like something a little different.

    perhaps one will be more like how my mind works rather than a dIEary type thing

    Sunday, September 14, 2008

    pack your bags, get out she said.

    Let's sit up and name all of our problems, toss them into the bingo poll. And then ill kiss your scars on one condition: that you'll kiss mine. Together we can decide if we'll all be alright. I feel the worlds behind your eyes. the desperation, the loneliness. Sit down, i want you to know that you dont have to worry, for my concsience is callused too. This will be our hurt parade. Tally-mark each dissapointment dear. In chalk, for our bleeding hearts. I want you there. Right in my chest, taking away everything thats wrong in the world.


    Love is when your heart is too big for your ribcage. Hopefully when your ribcage is full, there will be no room for pain. THE END.

    dear micheal, you are the most amazing writer i think i have ever met. i am extremely jealous and pretty much everytime i read something of yours i am speechless.
    if you read this check out his blog, its insanely good.
    haha i hate myself after reading his blogs....
    i try too hard now. ahaha

    jeal jeal jeal

    Brat Pack Fall Forward Preview.
    So much fun tonight
    i love you kids.

    yes, we gon' fight.

    makes me giggle hear patrick stump say
    "so what im drunk"

    Saturday, September 13, 2008

    'cause i sure know what its like to be alone

    i need new material.

    the rain brings out the best in me
    driving on desolate streets and im the only light
    makes me feel lonesome in a world so big.

    im jealous of the way your face always held the light
    no radience just enough to be percieved as mysterious
    i think about you sometimes when im not hiding my thoughts
    at night in the dead silence
    when i know no one one could ever be listening
    i wonder where you are, and if you ever think of me
    i hated the way you were always famous
    to someone or another
    i hated those ways that your hair always fell to the side
    and how it was never the same color twice
    i hated how your smile took over everything
    i hated how your fingers would float to create music
    the way i never could
    i hated the way i never fully understood you
    i hated that i never understood why you went to her
    when i knew the way you felt for me was stronger
    i hated the way, it was in every single way that i loved you
    shh. this is between me and the world now.

    hm. why can't i write like you.

    I Miss:

    I tend to be like:

    I think its awkward when:

    I Want:

    I get lonely when:

    I am obsessed with:

    I want:

    Friday, September 12, 2008


    taken from jess #1:

    tell me your 3 words.

    this made me a little teary.
    maybe its just a bad day.
    who knows.

    they're my everything
    follow your heart
    forever stay gold
    do you feel
    let it go
    i miss you
    dont hold back
    breaking down walls

    taken from jess #2:
    if you could say something to anyone, what would it be

    "Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: "What! You, too? Thought I was the only one." -C.S. Lewis
    everyday I:

    Thursday, September 11, 2008

    ive been let loose.

    forget what ive said before... i want him
    "i want the nose cup mommmy!"
    no no cash. i want Marshall.

    Tuesday, September 9, 2008

    those busted lips we take back home

    miserable at best is stuck in my head since i read alannas blog.
    and its been




    ever since

    so im reading twilight. is an awesom read. not so full of life inspiring quotes but an irrisistable story none the less. The way Bella admits she is in love with Edward is so unrealistic. she has known him for a few weeks and the allure of his beauty and mysterousness just leads her to believe she is in love...i mean HELLO. he hasnt even kissed her yet!...a bit unrealistic to me. But i so long for the day my head is dizzy like hers for someone, so clouded up by their memory alone...and i hope one day i can admit to myself about someone that " i was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with hi"

    annnd just watched fashion rocks with my dad. and we watched Justin Timberlake and Beyonces ode to motown with " Ain't nothin but the real thing" By Marvin Gaye and he was litteraly brought to tears by it. i dont understand. i get so repremanded for loving my music and putting everything into it. And here he is, crying over it. and yells at me for being emoionally attached to my music.hmph.


    i wrote you both letters. and they will further explain things, i love you both so much. thank you for being by my side through everything and making me who i am, theres a bit of both of you in me, and i hope you can see it and be proud, like i am.

    so anyways.
    i hope you all know im a big believer in fate.
    but im not sure how
    but this emergency brought you to me
    and we both fell in
    im terrified you will go like the rest
    or i will mess it up like the rest
    but im determined to make you love me.
    so tell me are you in love with me too?
    ...ohh dakota.

    tomorrow will be hectic. ah.
    but yay for my best friends together again since 8.19.08
    =[ almost a month apart.
    i love them so much.
    speaking of...
    today is 9/9. which reminds me of 8/8/..08
    if only you all saw the video of me dan and jess...
    ...well you would think we were crazy.
    but we think its hilairous.
    love you kids, youre with me every step of the way, like/vines/we/intertwined,

    heart ticks in beat with these kids that i grew up with
    [living like lifes going out of style]

    Monday, September 8, 2008



    arockettothemoon; welcome to the new administration

    get familiar

    Oh, Dakota, listen to this song.
    Because I am obsessed

    Sunday, September 7, 2008

    Mommy's Going Away For A Little While

    left behind last night.

    13 hours of sleep
    and i still cant get rid of these dark cicles under my eyes
    maybe its metaphoric that i just cant hide whats going on.

    but maybe it was a good thing.
    went to the hospital last night.
    ive seen to many lately.
    they terrify me.
    detox to retox.
    white halls
    and all the little details are blue...
    music plays when new life begins
    in a place where so often it ends
    or is just restarting
    IV. 2 more than 4.
    6th floor
    and an air bag of fluid. that saves lives.
    5 of them
    i cant take the shaking feeling
    and that i never knew the entire story.
    any of them
    and the nurses either give you the look, the sympathy in their eyes
    or they look right past you because they have seen that face of yours all too often
    everything intertwines here
    heart monitors and cell phones
    old and new life
    you overhear a convorsation
    "but we will keep trying"
    its enough to want to make you run
    and so i did
    and turned back down those white halls
    and left her there, alone
    white bracelet and all

    Image and video hosting by TinyPic

    Saturday, September 6, 2008

    jess- i love you.


    we are all a lost puzzle piece
    looking for our place
    if you dont fit into a certain puzzle,
    promise me you won't change your shape

    this is one of the smartest things i have heard in a long time.

    right now i am so confused.
    and really upset.
    i cant believe humans can treat eachother this way.
    what just happened is horrible and im not really sure how to handle it just yet. this is gunna take some thinking.

    offer me jewels
    offer me millions
    ill be tempted
    but i wont take your offer
    dont think i dont see how your vendors are on a string
    brainwashed under your puppetry
    i wont fall for your gilded lifestyle
    you never stayed gold,
    just spraypainted your outsides to look like so
    guilded to perfection...
    and rotting on the inside.

    Friday, September 5, 2008

    we are all elitists

    Fancy Kids.

    we are all mature
    we all want to be loved
    i want.
    to impact.
    the world.
    but i can't.
    do it.

    i love Do You Feel.Video out now:

    wow. its so odd to see all that is going on around you when you take a step back from your own life.
    so much other drama that breaks others worlds and barely skims yours.
    people lose others everyday and get over it
    new relationships are formed everyday
    some only for the benefits that come with it
    and some to last forever, and to become something bigger than the both of them.

    today a friend made me realize im doing a pretty good job with the relationships in my life and judging them. if i cant have the world in my hands, i will at least hold on to all that i can control.

    things might change from here on out.
    but i dont fee that it will,
    maybe for a short while
    but not forever.
    i miss you already, and the process hasn't even started yet
    hey amy whinehouse,
    i'll see you in 60 days.
    love you.
    its unconditional love. despite all that you have done...i have to love you.

    [sometimes you gotta walk in the rain to see just what youre looking for]

    Thursday, September 4, 2008

    So Cold I Could See My Breath...

    we all get lost so easily.
    and found eventually, whether its too late or not.

    yo. word of advice to you all...
    ...let it ROLL.
    [off your shoulders]

    so i just did 3 college apps: Marquette, U of I, DePaul

    i miss you all so much you dont even know =[

    and i miss my mom too. =[

    i miss free nights of summer.

    more later.

    Tuesday, September 2, 2008

    you say you want more, but its all i got.

    i believe in 11:11

    so many thoughts today.

    its dumb. i know shes your first everything.
    its ok. dont say you love me unless you mean it.
    unless its bullshit.
    but just in case, ill take the bullshit for now.
    cause ill take whatever you got.

    how do you say goodbye to someone who is just killing themselves slowly?
    and you resent every moment.
    its not how i want it to be at all
    i cant remember how it used to be when youre like this

    take me back to a place where nothing mattered but the bass in my ears and that my feet were still on the ground while my head was in the clouds

    i love you i love you i love you
    stop it stop it stop it
    youre tied to everything i do anymore
    talk to me about anything
    you take my mind off of things

    0 exposure
    [to the party scene]


    chicago never lets you forget its there:


    Monday, September 1, 2008

    so many versions of the same man.

    all the same person.
    3 million different looks.
    he makes me laugh.

    Happy 24th Birthday Joe Trohman

    Circa Fall 2007
    (10.20 YWT)

    Dont Interrupt, Rude.

    so i'm sick=[
    i might have mono?!?!
    so ive been typing a paper all day.
    next on to applications.

    but i have been watching these that make me laugh. hahaha