I feel so accomplished.
woo
I am sleep deprived
its rediculous
I stay up much too late for the sake of great convorsation
but that's just me

its so odd to realize that son of the people you once idealized in your mind when you were young are actually not what you thought they were now that you are looking at them from an adultish point of view
not that I am a adult because i know I am not
I am still so much a child in the way I still view the world in terms of fair
instead of right and wrong... Well for the most part.
these walls are so loosely cemented that I can hear every word seeping through them
the fair words
the right words
the went words

Truth of Me

Please pick me I'm a terrible mess,
You know I just can't help it and I just gotta confess
You do what you do and I can't ever rest

So still I'm gonna do everything,
I'm gonna make it right,
I'm gonna make it good,
I'm gonna do it alright,
I'm gonna write it down,
I'm gonna make a sound... yeah


'Cus I'm doing everything for you
because I love to be near to you,
Something just takes me away to a place where I'm happy
I'm doing everything for you
Yeah you know that I adore you
And I just can't take it anymore

all i have

tears slide
down cheeks
defying gravity and slide along your chin
down your neck where you're still shivering from the remnants
they pool in the space between your collarbones and shoulders
on the warm skin
leaving your lashes sticky
red eyes
sore in the morning
all because of...
.....what?
i cant quite put my finger on it.
its on the tip of salty tasting tongue.
im papery and worn.
and done with thinking for tonight
shut off my brain
putting up road blocks
chains and electric fences
around these thoughts
to say
stay away
caution
warning
danger


my heart is open and willing, so take it

So Far From Home- Classic Crime

All I have is words
To which I’m a slave
I scribble them down
Hoping to save me
But I’m lost
I’m so lost

These pages will burn
And I’ll pass away
Yesterday’s gone
And I just can’t shake
The fact that I’m lost
I’m so lost

But now we are so far from home
Far from home

<3Lock/in/up/DOWN

how i feel most days.
in this exact voice.
Ooher peterick

its up, its out. a blessing in disguise

you're no better than the way i left you/ these words are filling me up until you can see them in my eyes/ pouring out like tears, or maybe I'm just full of shit- the exact way you are treating me/ my history? no, yours is a sordid past/ shut your mouth, i get it from you/ when it rains ti purs and I'm stuck outside with no colorful umbrella with all of these other overcast kids/ no wonder were all so alike. we all fall for train wrecks with crooked smiles/ I'm only holding onto what I've got, and not what i let go/ Ive lots sleep and secrets but i wont loose you/ get on your knees and make them bleed before you come crawling back to beg for apologies/ you make me sick, don't hide your smile/ but reveal your shade to me, show the world both of your faces/ i hope you writhe in pain like i did against the words you said/ i hope those teeth that bite underneath come back and bite you after you unleashed your words

- anger at its best- May 5th 2008

From the passengers seat

We'll you've got her in your passengers seat and me in the back of your mind
sit down and shut up, top your complaining
you've got a pill to keep you happy and all i have is you.
i am an expert at forgetting people
but no matter how hard i try, i can't get you off my mind
maybe subconsciously i don't want to
i've had my heart broken many times by you
but yet you've never done it
i hold you in such high regards
i wish you could hold yourself in the same light

---this is sooo old. as in '07 old.

Holding out for a hero with wings

I'm walking down a pitch black hall
feeling my way home
it's the way i've chosen to go, through the dark
its because i live in my head,
i fell short of seeing the truth
tonight we all retreat into our separate entities
light seeping through closed doors-
press your ear against the wall and try to decipher secrets on the other side
your brilliant beauties make me want to write myself into a corner with no way out-
in ink- so i won't forget it
i envy your clandestine lifestyle
i want to be you, with my same dreadfully poetic thoughts
ill trade your broken eardrums for shattered glass on the high way
and sunken eyes for a worn out pen
id trade that gleam in your eye for the spark of revenge in mine
it kills me to see you there
you should be mine just like i had dreamed
you see she is perfection-
i am seeing stars and black holes in my vision from holding my breath for you.
i should've learned the first time
- The First Real Boy
Winter '07/'08

I'll turn the clock...

time never loved us
nor did it ever allow is
a minute behind, or an hour too fast.
it was never distance separating us
but our lack of talent and luck of timelines
i'm so sorry a minute makes me miss you
and i'm sorry you never did
you took my picture off the shelf
and hid me in a drawer
because you couldn't stand my face smiling at you anymore
but thats ok because i wont waste my ink and paper on you anymore
good to know that when the clock struck 12 and all the numbers in the world changed, i was the 2nd person you called-for a connection to someone else
the underlying pulse of your intentions makes me feel reassured
pulse to heart to beat to rhythem to the music in my head to notes to words to the ones i said to you to the ones you threw back at me that made my heart skip a beat to stop the pulse
-Dec. '07

"You're a Nemo!"

"You're a Nemo!"
...a what dad?
what do you call those sad kids?
oh...an emo?
yes. you are one.

...thanks dad.

New Hair!

woo.
punkb*tch

I Know A Fittie When I See One...

you can't have your motherfucking cake and eat it too.

loyalty is a moral i take very seriously.
i wont give it up.
not on you, not on me, not on them.
i love you.
you know it.
now understand it.


i love the movie angus thongs and perfect snogging.
and the books.
oooh robbie sure is a fittie.
mm mm
and dave the laugh
and tom
ugh. british boys
phwoar.
ohmygiddygods.
ive for gotten the lingo of britian-a-go-go land.
i cannot wait for the next Georgia book to come out.
what is to become of masimo and dave?!
and will wet lindsay ever get her dim naff bottom out of Gi's life?
hm. at least she still acts like a looney thing on looney tablets.
ooher!
buti often find myself in the same place as her:
either
a) in the cake shop of love with no cakes
or
b) in the cake shop of love with 2+ cakes
oh georgia im so glad we can see eye to eye.

for now my chummyly chumlets, i leave you with confusinosity of my lingo.

of course you will get this if you have read the books.
HAH
im such a cheeky monkey.

I'm Sorry.

i don't fucking miss you.

so stop. if you really cared you would have never treated me that way in the first place

"you think you're laughing last, but you can't laugh last when i slit your throat with the knife you left in my back"

"so i'll forget you and cut you out of all the pictures"

"when she speaks it makes me grind my teeth shallow is as shallow does, some people never change. you're as fake as the moans you make"

do you honestly believe i could ever, ever forget those things you said to me?...
dont start with me about pain.
i was too quick to apologize and admit i was wrong, when we both know now that i never was....it was you. you said it yourself.

A Queen Bee knows how to control everything around her
including the people
and the relationships between them
she lies and cheats to get her way
and who she wants
...look where it got us.
broken and shattered.
like the mirror she so desperately clung to after collapsing to the floor when she realized
that her built up emipre was built of ice.
just like her insides.
and it melted away.
and left her cold.
and alone.

If you want to spend your nights cuddling, by a puppy.

READ MY TUMBLR
reading this brings me back to center.
about what i deserve.
and what every girl deserves.

Girls. Learn this.
"The thing about women is, you never have to be granted power, you just take it"
And about the boys you want:
make a list of all the reasons why you are worthy to get him- and fully convince yourself of it. Look at the other girls who have found their perfect guys, and realize you can have it too. don't discount yourself.
i know i know, it gets so frustrating having no one!
but i promise, patience is redemptive.
And keep your faith of finding him. faith determines your destiny.
make sure your faith in love always remains stronger than your mood.
never compromise your dreams.
never settle. i learned this over a bag of M&Ms... odd i know.
but if you settle for a 5 guy, instead of 10. it'll result in a 5 life right? and not the ten you want.
but i think that in order to get this...ya kinda have to let go of who has hurt you.
blah blah blah... what if i get hurt?!
so what, let go if its an unsatisfying relationship. stop looking at what happens if you let go and understand that you can only be better if you let that anchor weighing you down go.
"but what if i miss him afterwards? what if he misses me?"
make him miss you. he should miss you. because you are an incredible person. understand this. because the day he looks in your eyes and tells you he doesn't want you anymore, it was his fault he ever let you go.
and back to him missing you: step back for a while, stop trying. see what happens if you stop vying for his attention.
"Cut him off, let him miss you"
because you deserve to be missed. you deserve the world. you deserve someone who will meet you half way. you deserve someone thinking about you every second of the day.

if after my self-help rant i have left you with nothing but rolling your eyes at me saying "she's just saying this because she has no one"... understand one thing. You deserve your prince charming- ideal- perfect whoever. So don't you forget that. because you're amazing. incredible. wonderful. and you deserve the same.

Its the little things.

I heard the old man say we need the rain
And I can feel it in my bones they're aching
I watched the sky and wait and wish these waters ease my pain
Because my will is breaking

If you'd get next to me and help me find simplicity
Then you could be the one to take me, to break me
And flood my soul

Could you be the one to release me? (oh release me)
Waiting for your love
Oh to free me, so release me

Grey clouds, they infiltrate as every move you make
Gets me closer to clarity
While droplet drummers lead a complex beat increasing speed
Somehow accompanies our intensities

At first this cloud burst is pulling us under
Lightning and thunder
Rain falls and you take me under
And flood my soul

Could you be the one to release me? (oh release me)
Waiting for your love
Oh to free me, so release me

So take off your shoes and stay a while
This might be the right time tonight
If it makes you feel good
Then it makes me feel alright

We should take down the curtains now
and make blankets here on the floor
The torrential downpour, the potential for more
A cease to fight this tension that ignites us here in the dark
'Cause tension causes friction and this friction leaves two sparks
The rain has filled this cup and before it overflows
I wanna take you in now
Here it goes

-Mae, Release Me
=/
shutupshutupshutup

i think, there for i am.

its the way your hips point down.

tired for the sake of the elated conversations shared between angels and kings

I'm Alive.

I'm alive when I’m missing you

I'm heading out for the lone star state and flying over Santa Fe
I'm looking out at a mountain range
I brace myself for the life I made

We're too young at heart
Hoping for one more day

This airport terminal can't see
Everything you mean to me

I'm alive when I'm missing you
I'm alive but too far
I'm alive when I'm missing you
I'm alive but too far from your room

I remember not sleeping
Hold on tight
Come with me
I left my heart on your bed sheets not knowing
What it means to be here, on a plane leaving you

This airport terminal can't see
Everywhere I wish you'd be

I'm alive when I'm missing you
I'm alive but too far
I'm alive when I'm missing you
I'm alive but too far from your room

Girl you can't make me stay
I'm saying what I have to say
Know you were just a phase
A piece of who I am today
Just another checkmark on my list of things that I regret
You're another checkmark on my list of things that I regret

I'm alive when I'm missing you
I'm alive but not missing you
I'm alive and I sleep fine
I'm alive but not missing you
I'm alive and I sleep fine in my own room

I know Your Sleeping All Alone

and you're dying to get out.

c'mon i dont know how you cant love these.
they make music sound magic yay yay
half day.
what what?!
stress doesnt ever go away, its impossble to escape.
At least i see right through some issues.
they dont matter.
you all do though.
they dont.
i hope you're holding on
because were all made of glass
just made to shatter
you just dont realize it
ive got a terminal disease. its called birth
everyone makes great decisions on their death bed
but where the hell were you when you were alive??

colors or black and white?

the world together as one
in one place
reminds me
of us

an amazing talk with someone who means the world to me.
thank you, you're the reason i'm still alive
the ones i hang on to.
For life.
i know we aren't going anywhere
i love you so much
you are what i stand on
who made me who i am
i can't even begin to describe
but you are my rock, my base upon which i stand
when i thought i was going to lose the world
you were all i had
so thank you for never backing down
our hearts beat in sync
its all i cant ask for
<3

Straight Up Hustler.

She gets what she wants and she breaks what she gets,
get out while you can or she'll tear you to pieces


the rain and dark bring my best words
hm. not sure what it is
im addicted to tumblr.
i love you, i wish you knew.

i dont think i have ever resisted anyone as much as you.
-you with those stars in your eyes.
dont blink
i dont want to lose them


i miss this sometimes, the way it felt.
im happier now.
but i get nostalgic for disaster

only holding my breath.

i made a tumblr.
these two things will not be the same.
and i will not abandon one or or the other.
just felt like something a little different.

perhaps one will be more like how my mind works rather than a dIEary type thing

http://acarcrashheart.tumblr.com

pack your bags, get out she said.

Let's sit up and name all of our problems, toss them into the bingo poll. And then ill kiss your scars on one condition: that you'll kiss mine. Together we can decide if we'll all be alright. I feel the worlds behind your eyes. the desperation, the loneliness. Sit down, i want you to know that you dont have to worry, for my concsience is callused too. This will be our hurt parade. Tally-mark each dissapointment dear. In chalk, for our bleeding hearts. I want you there. Right in my chest, taking away everything thats wrong in the world.

&&

Love is when your heart is too big for your ribcage. Hopefully when your ribcage is full, there will be no room for pain. THE END.

dear micheal, you are the most amazing writer i think i have ever met. i am extremely jealous and pretty much everytime i read something of yours i am speechless.
if you read this check out his blog, its insanely good.
--> starryeyedkid.tumblr.com
haha i hate myself after reading his blogs....
i try too hard now. ahaha

jeal jeal jeal


Brat Pack Fall Forward Preview.
So much fun tonight
i love you kids.

yes, we gon' fight.

makes me giggle hear patrick stump say
"so what im drunk"

'cause i sure know what its like to be alone

i need new material.

the rain brings out the best in me
driving on desolate streets and im the only light
makes me feel lonesome in a world so big.

im jealous of the way your face always held the light
no radience just enough to be percieved as mysterious
i think about you sometimes when im not hiding my thoughts
at night in the dead silence
when i know no one one could ever be listening
i wonder where you are, and if you ever think of me
i hated the way you were always famous
to someone or another
i hated those ways that your hair always fell to the side
and how it was never the same color twice
i hated how your smile took over everything
i hated how your fingers would float to create music
the way i never could
i hated the way i never fully understood you
i hated that i never understood why you went to her
when i knew the way you felt for me was stronger
i hated the way, it was in every single way that i loved you
shh. this is between me and the world now.

hm. why can't i write like you.


I Miss:

I tend to be like:

I think its awkward when:

I Want:

I get lonely when:

I am obsessed with:

I want:

y3w

taken from jess #1:

tell me your 3 words.

this made me a little teary.
maybe its just a bad day.
who knows.
haha

they're my everything
follow your heart
forever stay gold
do you feel
let it go
i miss you
dont hold back
breaking down walls

taken from jess #2:
if you could say something to anyone, what would it be

"Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: "What! You, too? Thought I was the only one." -C.S. Lewis
everyday I:

ive been let loose.

forget what ive said before... i want him
"i want the nose cup mommmy!"
no no cash. i want Marshall.
mmmm

those busted lips we take back home

miserable at best is stuck in my head since i read alannas blog.
and its been

pounding

pounding

pounding

ever since

so im reading twilight. is an awesom read. not so full of life inspiring quotes but an irrisistable story none the less. The way Bella admits she is in love with Edward is so unrealistic. she has known him for a few weeks and the allure of his beauty and mysterousness just leads her to believe she is in love...i mean HELLO. he hasnt even kissed her yet!...a bit unrealistic to me. But i so long for the day my head is dizzy like hers for someone, so clouded up by their memory alone...and i hope one day i can admit to myself about someone that " i was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with hi"

annnd just watched fashion rocks with my dad. and we watched Justin Timberlake and Beyonces ode to motown with " Ain't nothin but the real thing" By Marvin Gaye and he was litteraly brought to tears by it. i dont understand. i get so repremanded for loving my music and putting everything into it. And here he is, crying over it. and yells at me for being emoionally attached to my music.hmph.



HAPPY BIRTHDAY TWINS!

i wrote you both letters. and they will further explain things, i love you both so much. thank you for being by my side through everything and making me who i am, theres a bit of both of you in me, and i hope you can see it and be proud, like i am.

so anyways.
i hope you all know im a big believer in fate.
but im not sure how
but this emergency brought you to me
and we both fell in
im terrified you will go like the rest
or i will mess it up like the rest
but im determined to make you love me.
so tell me are you in love with me too?
...ohh dakota.


tomorrow will be hectic. ah.
but yay for my best friends together again since 8.19.08
=[ almost a month apart.
i love them so much.
speaking of...
today is 9/9. which reminds me of 8/8/..08
if only you all saw the video of me dan and jess...
...well you would think we were crazy.
but we think its hilairous.
love you kids, youre with me every step of the way, like/vines/we/intertwined,

heart ticks in beat with these kids that i grew up with
[living like lifes going out of style]

Dakota

[home]

arockettothemoon; welcome to the new administration

get familiar

Oh, Dakota, listen to this song.
Because I am obsessed

Mommy's Going Away For A Little While

left behind last night.

13 hours of sleep
and i still cant get rid of these dark cicles under my eyes
maybe its metaphoric that i just cant hide whats going on.

but maybe it was a good thing.
went to the hospital last night.
ive seen to many lately.
they terrify me.
detox to retox.
white halls
and all the little details are blue...
music plays when new life begins
in a place where so often it ends
or is just restarting
IV. 2 more than 4.
6th floor
671
and an air bag of fluid. that saves lives.
5 of them
i cant take the shaking feeling
and that i never knew the entire story.
any of them
and the nurses either give you the look, the sympathy in their eyes
or they look right past you because they have seen that face of yours all too often
everything intertwines here
heart monitors and cell phones
old and new life
you overhear a convorsation
"but we will keep trying"
its enough to want to make you run
and so i did
and turned back down those white halls
and left her there, alone
white bracelet and all

jess- i love you.

blackcloudsandunderdogs

we are all a lost puzzle piece
looking for our place
if you dont fit into a certain puzzle,
promise me you won't change your shape
-doyoufeeljess


this is one of the smartest things i have heard in a long time.

right now i am so confused.
and really upset.
i cant believe humans can treat eachother this way.
what just happened is horrible and im not really sure how to handle it just yet. this is gunna take some thinking.

offer me jewels
offer me millions
ill be tempted
but i wont take your offer
dont think i dont see how your vendors are on a string
brainwashed under your puppetry
i wont fall for your gilded lifestyle
you never stayed gold,
just spraypainted your outsides to look like so
guilded to perfection...
and rotting on the inside.

we are all elitists

Fancy Kids.



we are all mature
we all want to be loved
i want.
to impact.
the world.
but i can't.
do it.
alone.


i love Do You Feel.Video out now: http://friendsorenemies.com/

wow. its so odd to see all that is going on around you when you take a step back from your own life.
so much other drama that breaks others worlds and barely skims yours.
people lose others everyday and get over it
new relationships are formed everyday
some only for the benefits that come with it
and some to last forever, and to become something bigger than the both of them.

today a friend made me realize im doing a pretty good job with the relationships in my life and judging them. if i cant have the world in my hands, i will at least hold on to all that i can control.

things might change from here on out.
but i dont fee that it will,
maybe for a short while
but not forever.
i miss you already, and the process hasn't even started yet
hey amy whinehouse,
i'll see you in 60 days.
love you.
its unconditional love. despite all that you have done...i have to love you.

[sometimes you gotta walk in the rain to see just what youre looking for]

So Cold I Could See My Breath...

we all get lost so easily.
and found eventually, whether its too late or not.

yo. word of advice to you all...
...let it ROLL.
[off your shoulders]

so i just did 3 college apps: Marquette, U of I, DePaul
ah

i miss you all so much you dont even know =[


and i miss my mom too. =[


i miss free nights of summer.

more later.
lovesyou.
fittie.

you say you want more, but its all i got.

i believe in 11:11


so many thoughts today.

its dumb. i know shes your first everything.
its ok. dont say you love me unless you mean it.
unless its bullshit.
but just in case, ill take the bullshit for now.
cause ill take whatever you got.

how do you say goodbye to someone who is just killing themselves slowly?
and you resent every moment.
its not how i want it to be at all
i cant remember how it used to be when youre like this


take me back to a place where nothing mattered but the bass in my ears and that my feet were still on the ground while my head was in the clouds

i love you i love you i love you
stop it stop it stop it
youre tied to everything i do anymore
talk to me about anything
you take my mind off of things

0 exposure
[to the party scene]



IM ALL ABOUT:



chicago never lets you forget its there:


30H!3=WANT:

so many versions of the same man.

all the same person.
3 million different looks.
he makes me laugh.

Happy 24th Birthday Joe Trohman

Circa Fall 2007
(10.20 YWT)

Dont Interrupt, Rude.

so i'm sick=[
i might have mono?!?!
so ive been typing a paper all day.
next on to applications.

but i have been watching these that make me laugh. hahaha