hellohelicopterareyoulistening?

why hello blogspot.
i have not seen you in a while.
my time has been taken up
by a whirlwind of new things.
im astounded really
i am a i-dont-need-you, do-it-yourself, independent, lonely
sort of girl
and this all broke that
i know its all new but honestly,
everyone deserves what i've had these past few days
every girl deserves to hear these things
and see them too
i wish it upon everyone
worst part is, is that i feel like crying everytime i have to say goodbye
what is this change in my entire being?

my heart knew it before my head did:
october 12th 2008:
what you gave is mine forever
you can't take that away
tonight i traded hyssop and hyacinth
for nicotine and toxic fog
close enough to touch
far enough to make the right decision
woke up with my head in the stars
and fell asleep to fiction
i hope this isnt
its ringing in my ears
im giving it all to you

these vagabond shoes are longing to stray

He came in to settle me down
to tell me to stop crying
that it was over, and i was ok
and i knew, but things just sucked.
He made me look for the song we had been singing together all night
"in old new york"
he told me it was the loneliest city ever to be in
but we sang about it anyways
and there i sat, still crying
while the big band swelled
and Frank came on in all his glory
he begged me to sing and put his arm around me and rocked back and forth to the beat
my father can't sing at all, but he did for me
he smiled through the song and asked me to play it again
and i started crying
not because i was upset, but because of the sweetness of the situation
and i confused the beat of the drums for foot steps
and i stared at the door in fear
but i realized i was okay.
and even after the secrets had been spilled
i sat in safety rocking to the beat of a city that was not my own
and everything was ok

burried beneath 10,000 pounds
of secrets
i've got a family;
a real one

heres my motto: i dont need anyone
and then i drove on thinking about things that make me smile
your name came up very often
but i don't settle remember and i;m convinced youre perfect

They Tell Me Leave
and sit a suitcase in front of my feet
little and black who knew something so harmless
could mean so many things
this is me turning my back on everything and walking out
this is him turning his back and saying i'm the last one you'd expect to walk out now
that little suitcase is as black as the bruises turn
the color i feel after its all over
as hard and as cold as my heart these days
i pack up what matters
and i look down on the things that don't
it's this or behind bars they tell me
aren't we all behind bars in some way or another?
she is.
and he is.
and i am too.
i've got my own way out
and to you, you've only got each other.
one dying and the other killing oneself
its a long drawn out poison
what's worse, watching you die or knowing you will sooner than you should've?
i wonder when it happens will i look down into that grave and say
"i want to take back the things i said about me wishing you were dead"
maybe i'll feel that its all my fault.
that the reason he hangs his head so low,
the reason his feet drag the slightest bit when he steps through those doors
was because i was born
i'll miss your smile and your laugh
but those memories were replaced by flashing lights and screaming sirens
or was it my screaming that i'm hearing?
makes no difference.

Flow.

just let it

if only love were like this:

how to say I Love You
by Hayley Stuart

this reminds me of my friend.
it is something she might write

http://www.youtube.com/ytscreeningroom

if only it were this easy

The Snow Has A Song All Its Own

it builds as it echos
with chains to and fro aimlessly grow
born by decembers breeze
-remember that song?

wow. i just went out and stood in the silent snow, it was beautiful
and blissful
and had an energy all its own
and i never have felt more lonely.

its a known fact that i always find myself in romantic places
by myself...
oh well thats the beauty in being a 17 year old girl

i wish that pure happiness
complete peace
would be easier to find

but it comes when you need it

I'm one crazy B****

he ended up burned.
"I built the machine that almost destroyed me."

REBLOG:
so. about this whole LOVE business.
lets put it this way, you dont understand what i meant
in the sense i say, "i can't love",


"every time she found something or someone
in her possession, she would either
a) lose interest and walk away
or
b) find a reason it wouldn't work"
-summer boys

to everyone who reads this, im not trying to lash out and pretend i'm right.
i know i am not.
i believe that in seeing my faults, i'll one day understand
but the only way you could
is if you were me
because i dont even understand what goes on in my mind
you cannot force the heart what it does not want
it is not about love as it is more about my use of the word as substitution for "relationships"
i could find one if i really wanted
but i wont stop until i find exactly what i want
never settle



i shouldnt even be posting this.
im sorry if it seems like im lashing
i just cant explain
dont be offended
im just speaking with my stream of conscience

I'm broken.

any girl who saw that would immediately fall
but ive lost my ability to love.
my heart is broken, and will not work.
i'm sorry.
i don't know what
i've got walls around me, no one can reach me.
but why cant these words break it down
one of my favorite people ever, biggest sweetheart i know, you have one hell of a head on your shoulders, maybe i'll be that person to understand you,
who turns that down?
i do.
i'm broken.

6.29

ow ow ow ow ow
hi, im bella swan.
i wrap my arms around myself to keep my insides from falling apart
theres a big whole in my chest, it hurts really bad
especially when i picture everything without you.
i drew an X on your picture, now i feel better.
i put all your things in a box and put an X on that too
along with that chain i wore...so much longer than it was visible
i'm thinking about burying it along with my love
and putting it to rest
maybe then like all dead things, i can forget too.

hi, MARRY ME

deformed

so lets put it like this.
to start: i am beginning with no structure to this
but eventually it will fall into structure and beats and rhythms, it always does
so talking to a friend today i realized
that it is not a question of me finding love, or getting love
it is a question of me taking it.
because i cant, i cannot love.
it is impossible
much like the ever innocent peter pan, i cannot feel
i worry too much about collateral damage
and get too caught up in things
and care too much what others think
and oh god, if anyone changes my perfect pattern of living, immediate nix.
So whats the deal with Taylor.
I wish someone had the answer because i sure as hell don't have it.
The thing is i cannot search within someone else for the answer, i must find it within me
But where to start?
is it that everyone ever has walked out on me or given up on me save for a select few?
is it that i don't trust anyone in my life... really, anyone



p.s. i look at this everyday to remind myself

is it because i dont love myself yet?
because i have so much jealousy inside of me?
because i am hardly stable myself and how could i find it within someone else?
what is it?
WHAT IS IT.

2009

So This Is The New Year.
and i dont feel any different.


i'm not going to lie and hide the fact that, i am really upset
about the actions
that occured
on behalf of myself
and everyone else around me

there are some things in the world that i am only beginning to understand
there are some things in the world i will never understand
this is one of them.
while someones life is taking a turn for the better
i find myself stagnant in the same place
unwavering unmoving
at least if i am not learning i am teaching