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    Wednesday, January 28, 2009


    why hello blogspot.
    i have not seen you in a while.
    my time has been taken up
    by a whirlwind of new things.
    im astounded really
    i am a i-dont-need-you, do-it-yourself, independent, lonely
    sort of girl
    and this all broke that
    i know its all new but honestly,
    everyone deserves what i've had these past few days
    every girl deserves to hear these things
    and see them too
    i wish it upon everyone
    worst part is, is that i feel like crying everytime i have to say goodbye
    what is this change in my entire being?

    my heart knew it before my head did:
    october 12th 2008:
    what you gave is mine forever
    you can't take that away
    tonight i traded hyssop and hyacinth
    for nicotine and toxic fog
    close enough to touch
    far enough to make the right decision
    woke up with my head in the stars
    and fell asleep to fiction
    i hope this isnt
    its ringing in my ears
    im giving it all to you

    Friday, January 23, 2009

    these vagabond shoes are longing to stray

    He came in to settle me down
    to tell me to stop crying
    that it was over, and i was ok
    and i knew, but things just sucked.
    He made me look for the song we had been singing together all night
    "in old new york"
    he told me it was the loneliest city ever to be in
    but we sang about it anyways
    and there i sat, still crying
    while the big band swelled
    and Frank came on in all his glory
    he begged me to sing and put his arm around me and rocked back and forth to the beat
    my father can't sing at all, but he did for me
    he smiled through the song and asked me to play it again
    and i started crying
    not because i was upset, but because of the sweetness of the situation
    and i confused the beat of the drums for foot steps
    and i stared at the door in fear
    but i realized i was okay.
    and even after the secrets had been spilled
    i sat in safety rocking to the beat of a city that was not my own
    and everything was ok

    Monday, January 19, 2009

    burried beneath 10,000 pounds
    of secrets
    i've got a family;
    a real one

    heres my motto: i dont need anyone
    and then i drove on thinking about things that make me smile
    your name came up very often
    but i don't settle remember and i;m convinced youre perfect

    Sunday, January 18, 2009

    They Tell Me Leave
    and sit a suitcase in front of my feet
    little and black who knew something so harmless
    could mean so many things
    this is me turning my back on everything and walking out
    this is him turning his back and saying i'm the last one you'd expect to walk out now
    that little suitcase is as black as the bruises turn
    the color i feel after its all over
    as hard and as cold as my heart these days
    i pack up what matters
    and i look down on the things that don't
    it's this or behind bars they tell me
    aren't we all behind bars in some way or another?
    she is.
    and he is.
    and i am too.
    i've got my own way out
    and to you, you've only got each other.
    one dying and the other killing oneself
    its a long drawn out poison
    what's worse, watching you die or knowing you will sooner than you should've?
    i wonder when it happens will i look down into that grave and say
    "i want to take back the things i said about me wishing you were dead"
    maybe i'll feel that its all my fault.
    that the reason he hangs his head so low,
    the reason his feet drag the slightest bit when he steps through those doors
    was because i was born
    i'll miss your smile and your laugh
    but those memories were replaced by flashing lights and screaming sirens
    or was it my screaming that i'm hearing?
    makes no difference.

    Sunday, January 11, 2009

    Saturday, January 10, 2009

    if only love were like this:

    how to say I Love You
    by Hayley Stuart

    this reminds me of my friend.
    it is something she might write

    if only it were this easy

    Friday, January 9, 2009

    The Snow Has A Song All Its Own

    it builds as it echos
    with chains to and fro aimlessly grow
    born by decembers breeze
    -remember that song?

    wow. i just went out and stood in the silent snow, it was beautiful
    and blissful
    and had an energy all its own
    and i never have felt more lonely.

    its a known fact that i always find myself in romantic places
    by myself...
    oh well thats the beauty in being a 17 year old girl

    i wish that pure happiness
    complete peace
    would be easier to find

    but it comes when you need it

    I'm one crazy B****

    he ended up burned.
    "I built the machine that almost destroyed me."

    so. about this whole LOVE business.
    lets put it this way, you dont understand what i meant
    in the sense i say, "i can't love",

    "every time she found something or someone
    in her possession, she would either
    a) lose interest and walk away
    b) find a reason it wouldn't work"
    -summer boys

    to everyone who reads this, im not trying to lash out and pretend i'm right.
    i know i am not.
    i believe that in seeing my faults, i'll one day understand
    but the only way you could
    is if you were me
    because i dont even understand what goes on in my mind
    you cannot force the heart what it does not want
    it is not about love as it is more about my use of the word as substitution for "relationships"
    i could find one if i really wanted
    but i wont stop until i find exactly what i want
    never settle

    i shouldnt even be posting this.
    im sorry if it seems like im lashing
    i just cant explain
    dont be offended
    im just speaking with my stream of conscience

    Thursday, January 8, 2009

    I'm broken.

    any girl who saw that would immediately fall
    but ive lost my ability to love.
    my heart is broken, and will not work.
    i'm sorry.
    i don't know what
    i've got walls around me, no one can reach me.
    but why cant these words break it down
    one of my favorite people ever, biggest sweetheart i know, you have one hell of a head on your shoulders, maybe i'll be that person to understand you,
    who turns that down?
    i do.
    i'm broken.

    Monday, January 5, 2009


    ow ow ow ow ow
    hi, im bella swan.
    i wrap my arms around myself to keep my insides from falling apart
    theres a big whole in my chest, it hurts really bad
    especially when i picture everything without you.
    i drew an X on your picture, now i feel better.
    i put all your things in a box and put an X on that too
    along with that chain i much longer than it was visible
    i'm thinking about burying it along with my love
    and putting it to rest
    maybe then like all dead things, i can forget too.

    Friday, January 2, 2009

    Thursday, January 1, 2009


    so lets put it like this.
    to start: i am beginning with no structure to this
    but eventually it will fall into structure and beats and rhythms, it always does
    so talking to a friend today i realized
    that it is not a question of me finding love, or getting love
    it is a question of me taking it.
    because i cant, i cannot love.
    it is impossible
    much like the ever innocent peter pan, i cannot feel
    i worry too much about collateral damage
    and get too caught up in things
    and care too much what others think
    and oh god, if anyone changes my perfect pattern of living, immediate nix.
    So whats the deal with Taylor.
    I wish someone had the answer because i sure as hell don't have it.
    The thing is i cannot search within someone else for the answer, i must find it within me
    But where to start?
    is it that everyone ever has walked out on me or given up on me save for a select few?
    is it that i don't trust anyone in my life... really, anyone

    p.s. i look at this everyday to remind myself
    Image and video hosting by TinyPic
    is it because i dont love myself yet?
    because i have so much jealousy inside of me?
    because i am hardly stable myself and how could i find it within someone else?
    what is it?


    So This Is The New Year.
    and i dont feel any different.

    i'm not going to lie and hide the fact that, i am really upset
    about the actions
    that occured
    on behalf of myself
    and everyone else around me

    there are some things in the world that i am only beginning to understand
    there are some things in the world i will never understand
    this is one of them.
    while someones life is taking a turn for the better
    i find myself stagnant in the same place
    unwavering unmoving
    at least if i am not learning i am teaching