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    Monday, September 28, 2009

    I know you see me

    And I want you to know I ache in missing you.
    But I'm sure if i tried again we would surely fall apart on site.
    Things aren't the same, they haven't been for a very long time.
    But I still think of the summer nights and the sleepy fall days we shared.
    My heart still misses you.
    I hope you do two...


    This is a rant in advance:
    Well my lord its been a long time since I've written on ehre. I've taken to writing on TUMBLR more.
    But everyone reads those posts everyday, and this is a bit more hidden and seeing as I no long have my notebook with me I can't exactly write in any old place.
    So here I am, back at the beginning, September 28th 2009.
    I moved to Lincoln Park, and I love it, but why do I keep questioning my decision to live here?
    Should I have moved across country? To another coast? Where I didn't know anyone? TO reinvent myself to fit in? To run away from everyone that had caused me heart break in the past few months? Would the right decision to be to run?
    I run into so many questions, so many unanswered questions that is.
    I am so full of doubt lately, and in all honesty, I am not sure where my stability of happiness lies.
    I was worse this summer after being left in the dirt by the two most important people in my life, but I am over that now.
    So where does that leave me?
    I need to find my place, and get into the swing of things.
    I want to be more than I am, I want to be better than ever.
    "I need people with edge, risk.. people who know how to live.. how to love.. a true friend. a true love." HB
    I need someone who captivates me, and encourages me to get up and get out when all I feel like doing is falling asleep.
    I've lost my must to write new lines and capture new ambiances.
    Not to mention my faith in love has been unsteady lately.
    See, I love a boy.
    [who doesn't]
    A boy who has chosen to tell me he loves me back, but won't do anything about it.
    Well, this just leaves me in a grey area.
    I've come to a conclusion over such:
    I don't wait for anyone, ever
    Meaning i will not wait for him to say he is ready for me to be a part of his life. I will continue to do what I want until I am ready,
    I am nobody's convenience
    you shouldn't be either.

    I just want to write.
    I just want to be more.
    I just want to be smarter.
    I just want to be somebody.
    I just want to stop missing you.
    I just want to be a better person.
    I just want to be the best for once.
    I just want to be happier than I am.
    I just want to be a better friend.
    I just want to turn off my mind.
    I just want to shut my mouth.
    I just want to be accepted.
    I just want to be certain.
    I just want to be happy.