deformed

so lets put it like this.
to start: i am beginning with no structure to this
but eventually it will fall into structure and beats and rhythms, it always does
so talking to a friend today i realized
that it is not a question of me finding love, or getting love
it is a question of me taking it.
because i cant, i cannot love.
it is impossible
much like the ever innocent peter pan, i cannot feel
i worry too much about collateral damage
and get too caught up in things
and care too much what others think
and oh god, if anyone changes my perfect pattern of living, immediate nix.
So whats the deal with Taylor.
I wish someone had the answer because i sure as hell don't have it.
The thing is i cannot search within someone else for the answer, i must find it within me
But where to start?
is it that everyone ever has walked out on me or given up on me save for a select few?
is it that i don't trust anyone in my life... really, anyone



p.s. i look at this everyday to remind myself

is it because i dont love myself yet?
because i have so much jealousy inside of me?
because i am hardly stable myself and how could i find it within someone else?
what is it?
WHAT IS IT.